Final Vocaloid
by Der Blaue Wolf
Summary: When the Vocaloids play Final Fantasy, the result is, as usual, madness.
1. Chapter 1

Final Vocaloid

_The scene: a huge cave, filled with countless enemies, is being traversed by four intrepid explorers._

Luka: "We're not _that_ intrepid, and we aren't really exploring, more just here to grind.

_Do you want to narrate, or will you let me continue?_

Luka: "Well actually..."

_SHUT UP! Now, where was I? Oh yeah, the four were currently entering the level with the compulsory stupidly difficult puzzle which all high-level dungeons should have..._

Luka: "Hang on, this is Final Fantasy we're talking about. Puzzles? Hard? In most of them you can just exploit some faulty game mechanic to avoid the puzzle entirely. Like standing on top of each other in Crystal Chronicles, or..."

_Look, are you going to complain about every fecking thing I say?_

Luka: "Yes."

_Right, right, right, I get the idea. Well on with what was happening._

Miku: "Right, time to solve the puzzle... well, there are four switches here..."

Rin: "That's weird, there's a tuna-shaped switch, an orange-shaped one, a banana and a leek shaped one."

Miku: "Spring onion!"

Len: "What? It's a leek."

Miku: "Trust me, it's a spring onion, at least according to the Vocaloid Wiki it is anyway."

Rin: "Right... anyway, I think we all know how to solve this..." _Steps on the orange-shaped switch. Each of the others steps on the appropriate switch._

_Message: There is a loud sound of a door opening somewhere._

Miku: "Seriously, why are switch puzzles always so easy?"

Luka: "It's to make stupid gamers feel good about themselves."

Miku: "But shouldn't the main target market be nerd-class gamers anyway?"

Luka: "Yes but no."

Miku: "Explain."

Luka: "Well..."

_Before Luka was able to go into an explanation of the economics of video games sales, the party encountered... a RANDOM ENCOUNTER!_

Miku: "Wow, we encountered an encounter..."

Luka: "Just shut up and fight."

_Enemies: Generic Bird, Generic Small Furry Animal._

Rin: "What the hell are those things doing in a cave?"

Luka: "I don't know, just get killing."

_Turn: Rin (Dark Knight): Attacks Generic Bird. Inflicts 65 HP damage._

Rin: "Yeah sucker, take that!"

_Turn: Miku ((Spring) Onion Knight): Attacks Generic Bird. Inflicts 17236 HP Damage._

Rin: "How did you do that much?"

Miku: "Because I'm wielding 'The Negi' which has an attack of over 9000."

_Generic Bird died. Miku gained 50 exp._

_Turn: Luka (Black Mage): Casts death. Generic Small Furry Animal died. Luka gained 50 exp._

Len (White Mage): "Seriously, who has a spell named 'death?' And I thought it took 3 turns to kill them."

Luka: "It sometimes does, depending on the game, but the writer couldn't be bothered to write in three more rounds of combat, or come up with another joke to explain the thing's death."

Len: "Why am I not surprised?"

_Because, to be quite honest, I don't think anybody wants to read another three rounds of combat._

Len: "Right, right. Forget I asked."

Miku: "So... what now?"

Luka: "I dunno, why don't we go see if the boss is home?"

Miku: "Sure, better than just standing around here I suppose."

_The group continue on, occasionally fighting assorted creatures of the generic variety._

Miku: "Well this is exciting."

Luka: "It's Penultimate Fantasy 17.5 or whatever number we're on now. What do you expect?"

Rin: "Them to have actually come up with something good by now."

Len: "The side-games are good. I liked the Tactics games."

Miku: "Yeah, but War of the Lions was freaking impossible."

Len: "I never played that one, I just got A2 to start with."

Miku: "Your people don't even stay dead when they die in that!"

Len: "That's because of the power of magic!"

Miku: "Or the power of people getting pissed when their best character died."

Len: "That too..."

Luka: "Well look on the bright side, it's not like any of the fights in here are hard. Especially when we have a weapon with base attack of 9000 and something."

Miku: "Yeah, that's true. Now I wonder what the boss is going to be."

Rin&Len&Luka: "Kaito!"

Miku: "Eh? Why him?"

Luka: "Because the writer really dislikes MikuXKaito and thus wants to take every possible opportunity to have you beat the crap out of him."

Miku: "I did not consider that."

Len: "Well we're almost there now, so not much longer to wait..."

_The four step into a large room, with a raised area in front of them. Of course, in typical Final Fantasy style, the boss is sat on a throne at the top._

The Boss: "Good evening."

Luka: "Oh..."

Len: "...my..."

Rin: "...God!"

Luka&Len&Rin: "It's not Kaito!"

The Boss: "No, I'm Tei Sukone, look at me you Vocaloid bitches... and Len."

Miku: "Oh gods... why the tsundere? Why?"

Tei: "Oh Miku, you have no idea how badly I've wanted to tear your guts out lately."

Luka: "Oh shit... the crappy FF villainhood is getting to Tei, and making her even more violent and cliché evil than normal."

Miku: "Quick, let's put her out of her misery."

_Turn:Rin, Attacks Tei. Inflicts 43 damage._

_Miku, Attacks Tei. Inflicts 1302 damage._

_Luka, Casts Blizzargarutefalamira. Inflicts 220 damage, because more syllables equals more power._

_Len, Casts Holy. It's super effective! Inflicts 420 damage._

Rin: "Okay, why the pokemon reference?"

_Don't ask, it seemed like a good idea in my head._

_Tei: Attacks Len... wait, that's not a normal attack... she's... er... what the hell?_

Rin: "DON'T *censored* MY BROTHER!"

Tei: "Oh~ but he's so sexy, I have to *censored* him."

_I'm currently wondering why shotas seem to get so much love..._

Len: "Hey! Stop that Tei! I have a girlfriend!"

Tei: "What? Who?"

Len: "Um... Rin, Gumi, Luka, Miku, Neru, or some combination of the above, depending on who you ask. Alternatively I might have a boyfriend, I'm not sure."

Tei: "Is there anyone you haven't been paired with?"

Len: "I don't think I've been paired with SeeU yet... Oh wait, yes I have... but only in Indonesian."

Miku: "So Len is the man-whore of the 'loids?"

Len: "Hey, it's not like I chose to be paired with all of them!"

Luka: "But you liked it, didn't you?"

Len: "Well... um..."

Tei: "Right... time to kill all Vocaloids/Utauloids/other 'loids/OCs that dated Len!"

Miku: "Wait! Tei, search for youXLen fics!"

Tei: "Eh?... Oh! Oh there's an M rated one... oh yes!" _Starts reading, and her nose starts bleeding._

Miku: _Hitting Tei unconscious suddenly, _"Well... that solves that problem..."

Len: "Um... dungeon complete?"

* * *

><p>AN: I began this about eight months ago I think... and only just finished it. So yeah, that's all folks, and drop off a review if you feel like being nice.

Bis Bald

BW


	2. Chapter 2

Final Vocaloid 2

_In another rather arbitrary dungeon, our main characters progress with some half-arsed plot-line that doesn't really make much logical sense when examined._

Luka: "But none of your stories have plot-lines which make logical sense."

_The serious ones do! Well... kinda..._

_Anyway, the point is that they were on another grand adventure._

Luka: "I wouldn't call it 'grand' myself."

_Are you going to complain about everything I say? Wait... I asked you that last time... I give up._

Luka: "Oh, good."

Miku: "So... what are we doing again?"

Len: "Don't you remember? We're here to defeat the evil dragon of evilness!"

Miku: "Uh... are we?"

Len: "Weren't you listening to any of the pre-dungeon exposition by that NPC?"

Miku: "Look, I tuned out after the words 'Dragon's Cave.' As long as we knew where we were going, I was sure we'd be fine."

Len: "And this is why you're never prepared for the fights!"

Miku: "I am prepared! I brought plenty of fire-resistant gear!"

Rin: "Miku, this dragon has an ice breath."

Miku: "Oh... well then I have an anti-dragon shield!"

Len: "It's also not actually a dragon, it's a misnomer."

Miku: "Oh... but this is a video game! If something's called a dragon, I expect it to be a dragon!"

Len: "Yes, but remember, life hates you."

Miku: "Well in that case, my anti-dragon shield should work on it anyway, 'cause it's a misnomer, and it actually protects against poorly named monsters!"

Luka: "Miku, I don't think that's how it works."

Miku: "Well it should be! Oh well, at least I still have my ridiculously overpowered weapon."

Luka: "Yes... that would be useful... if the not-a-dragon weren't immune to physical damage!"

Miku: "When did they start putting useful information in the exposition?"

Len: "I think it was 'Almost the Last Fantasy 17-2.'"

Miku: "Well screw them..."

Luka: "Miku that's not very nice..."

Miku: "...Hard, from behind. Without cessation, for hours and hours."

Rin: "Miku, mental image. Not a good one."

Miku: "At the risk of sounding like a certain redhead, am I bovered?"

Len: "Yes, yes you are."

Miku: "I hate you guys sometimes."

Rin: "And we hate you too."

Miku: "Well if that's the case, I'm leaving!" _Begins to storm off, but suddenly..._

Evil Dragon of Evilness: "Oh? Are you going somewhere?"

Miku: "Um... oh... er..." _Staring up at the black dragon that's about ten times taller than her, _"Oh... well... you see..." _Edging away._

Dragon: "For the record, we're in combat."

Miku: "Then why aren't you attacking us?"

Dragon: "Because it's not my turn yet, obviously."

Miku: "Oh... yeah... um... whose turn is it?"

Rin: "Mine! Now dragon, fear me!"

_Turn: Rin, Attacks Dragon. Inflicts 1 damage._

Rin: "Damn you and your immunity to physical... which means attacks do 1 damage..."

_Turn: Miku._

Miku: "Fortunately, I used to be a Summoner, but then I took an Onion to the Knighthood."

_Miku: Summon Ifrit._

Miku: "I call thee, djinn of flame!"

Ifrit: "Sorry, I'm not in right now, please leave a message after the tone."

_A loud bleep resounds._

Miku: "The f***?"

_Turn: Luka, Casts Fira_garutefalamiraketsu_. Inflicts 120 damage._

Luka: "Take that! How much HP left?"

Len: "Um... 999,880/100,0000"

Luka: "Oh... shit."

_Turn: Len, Casts Holy. Inflicts 60 damage._

_Turn: Dragon, uses Ice breath. Everyone takes 3 damage._

Luka: "Well... that was shit."

Dragon: "I put all my level-up abilities into hit points!"

Miku: "Great... a ridiculously long battle..."

* * *

><p><em>Three hours later...<em>

_Turn: Rin, attack, Inflicts 1 damage._

Rin: "How much more hp?"

Len: "Uh... 234."

Miku: "Right, time for my ultimate summon..."

_Turn: Miku, Summon Ultima._

Miku: "Now taste the wrath of the high seraph!"

_Nothing happens._

Miku: "Ultima... where the hell are you!"

Ultima: _Appearing, _"Oh sorry about that. I'd just got out of the shower when you called."

Miku: "Fine, fine. Now just destroy that not-actually-a-dragon!"

Ultima: "Goodness, why does it always have to be 'Destroy this monster,' 'Destroy that monster.' It's you summoners' fault that I've earned the title 'Bloody Angel.'"

Miku: "Looks, when I made the pact of summoning, I was told I could 'Command the forces of the world,' so I'm going to give you some bloody commands, and you will like it!"

Ultima: "Fine, whatever."

_Inflicts 500 damage. Dragon is dead._

Miku: "Wahoo! Battle over."

Ultima: "Such mindless carnage, and for what? Why must this happen?"

Miku: "Okay, you can go now."

_Ultima disappears, shaking her head sadly._

Len: "Er... dungeon complete?"

Rin: "You said that last time."

Len: "It's still true."

Miku: "Okay, let's just take the treasure, leave and go get whatever our reward was."

Luka: "Miku, we agreed to do this for free."

Miku: "Why?"

Luka: "Because the people who needed our help were poor and..."

Miku: "And it was in the exposition?"

Luka: "Yes."

Miku: _Staring at them, then sighing, _"Fine... let's... just go..."

* * *

><p>AN: A second chapter by (semi-)popular demand. But that's it, I'm out of ideas for this, so if you want more of this style of comedy, go read Adventures of the Writer, my 90k+ word story which is like this, but longer, and in my opinion better. *Self-advertising over.*

Bis Bald

BW


End file.
